The holidays have been somewhat bittersweet for me the last six years. Since I was very young, I’ve loved Christmastime. As an adult, that never changed. I loved watching my people open the gifts I picked just for them almost -ALMOST- as much as I loved receiving my own presents. When I married, my husband Jason and I loved the holidays; we volunteered and spent hours shopping for THEE most perfect gifts. We spent time with family and friends, we loved decorating and baking and wrapping presents. We loved taking some much needed time off work and watching movies while drinking hot cocoa on the couch, snuggled up in our blankies. It was-truly- the most wonderful time of the year.
After losing Jason in 2015, I have taken my sweet time getting my Christmas spirit back. It has been an almost impossible road, but this year I have had more moments of joy than sorrow. And these snippets allow me to remember all the amazing moments Jason and I experienced in our fifteen Christmases together. One of my most cherished memories is Edgar’s accordion.
Sixteen Christmases ago, Jason came home from work with three pieces of green construction paper. His co-worker’s friend taught in a low-income school system and they had a “Giving Tree” for the students that year. Our “children” were David, Brenda and Edgar. David, at 10, wanted dinosaurs and cars. Easy enough. Jason was excited at the thought of finding Hot Wheels and T-Rex’s. Eight-year-old Brenda asked for a doll and a stroller. I was all over that one; I loved picking out baby dolls as gifts! The third child on our list was four-year-old Edgar. His wish? An accordion.
That’s right.
An ACCORDION.
The only rules were that we couldn’t spend more than $25, and if we couldn’t find the toy the child wanted, we could buy the item of clothing noted at the bottom of their wish list.
(By the way, four-year-old Edgar wore a size 8 shirt).
A size eight.
ADORABLE.
On a snowy night in December 2004, armed with $75 for our 3 kids, we fa-la-la-la-la’d through the mall finding the requested cars, dinosaurs, babies and strollers for David and Brenda. Edgar’s accordion, however, was proving to be a bit more difficult.
So, we headed home, wrapped our gifts and sang our carols. For the next week or so, we searched. High and low. Jay spent hours combing eBay, I looked online as well. However, in 2004, internet shopping wasn’t as easy as it is today. Amazon existed, but we really didn’t order anything other than books in those days. I had no idea where to find an accordion, much less one under the strict “don’t spend more than $25” guideline. What 4 year old wants an accordion? I thought to myself.
But, I was determined. There was NO WAY I was buying that sweet boy a shirt for Christmas.
On our last stop- Target, believe it or not- (not sure why we didn’t start there), I was looking through the aisles trying to come up with a suitable alternative when Jason called to me from the next row over, almost frantic.
“Babe! Come over here! Hurry up!”
Rounding the corner, there was my six-foot-four-inch-tall husband standing in front of a Wiggles display, almost BOUNCING like Tigger. Apparently, one of the Wiggles played an accordion.
An accordion.
I looked at Jay and he had the BIGGEST smile on his face. We kept our eyes on one another and had an entire conversation- silently- right there in the Target toy aisle. I burst into tears and he enveloped me a great big Jason-sized bear hug.
That was, hands down, the best gift we gave that year.
I write about this story today not only because I miss Jason and that beautiful, generous, happy heart of his, but because this is what the Christmas season meant to us. He was the guy who spent his precious time off of work looking for an accordion for a sweet 4-year-old named Edgar who he had never met. The guy who cried with me when I let the emotions take over. The guy who celebrated giving. Always giving.
I wonder where Edgar is now, sixteen Christmases later. If he cherished that accordion and played it until it fell apart. Or if it was one of those presents he loved for a season and then moved on.
I wish he knew about the man who found it for him. About how Jason loved him, even if he didn’t even know him.
I miss Christmas. And I can’t wait until my heart allows it all the way back in.
Wishing you all a very, very merry Christmas! My hope is that you are all surrounded by peace and love and all the accordions your hearts desire.
Di Brown
What a touching story! I hope Christmas sneaks back into your heart…..you have so much to give. Peace and comfort to you, Allison.
Mary Parkison
Allison, You may feel like Christmas is not in your heart but it is! Maybe not the exact same feeling but it is there! The spirit you have is actually bigger than Christmas!! You give more Joy to people throughout the year than you realize. All the time and effort you have given in the name of Jason just shows that your heart is more than capable of letting Christmas back in to you life! Your own spirit brings so much happiness to everyone you see or that reads your amazing memories of Jason! Thank you for being YOU!
Tanya
Oh my goodness Allison! So many tears in my coffee this morning reading this! What a lovely memory of your husband. Thank you so much for sharing this!
Charlene mcneil
As your mom Allison, and Jason’s mother-in-law I know how much that accordion meant to both of you. And I hope to Edgar too. I hope Edgar got to play a lot of music with that gift, enough music to reach the heavens. This story still amazes me, Jason. Miss and love you.
Janet Gogerty
A lovely story.